Grim and Fell

I think all I have gone through has left me grim and (to use an archaic word) fell. This may be good. Experience and Scripture have left me realistic (grim) about walking faithfully with God. In the last ten years, I prayed for the healing of my mother, brother, and son. All have died. (Let me know if you would like me to pray for you too.)

 “Prophetic words” I thought I heard have fallen flat. Promises for this side of the grave have evaporated like Oregon fog. The truth that God is with me is encouraging, but I have seldom had any sense of his presence or heard His voice.   

Through all this I have been helped by Scripture. The book of Job gives comfort, but not the feel-good help preachers often offer. Job has some grim truths. First, you may be fighting in a spiritual battle you know nothing about. Second, things can get worse and often do. Third, victory may be nothing more than our refusal to curse God. Fourth, that in all this God may be silent and seem absent. Fifth, friends will often blame you for God’s absence and silence. Job does declare, “And as for me, I know that my Redeemer lives.” However, he also wishes that he had been a miscarriage. This is grim indeed.

The Psalms have also left me grim. David laments:

I have sunk in deep mire, and there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and a flood overflows me. I am weary with crying; my throat is parched. My eyes fail while I wait for God. (Ps. 69:2-3).

I feel this way when Teckla wakes up and asks, “Who are you? How did you get here?” Psalm 119:83 uses an especially poignant metaphor, “Though I have become like a wineskin in the smoke, I do not forget thy statutes.”  As I age and watch my skin sag and crack, I daily feel like a smoked wineskin. Again, and again, Psalmists complain about the silence and absence and delay of God, and yet grimly assert their faith in Him.

All this has also left me “fell” in the archaic sense of being fierce and dangerous. Because of Job, I know all the enemy’s energy is aimed at getting me to curse God. Therefore, I bless God with a vengeance. I may be grim, but my insistence on praising God with abandon has made me dangerous to all the schemes of the enemy. I took my church’s training class for praying for the sick, precisely because I know this is something the enemy would hate. I don’t always know God’s will, but I often know what the enemy would hate. Instead of isolating myself in my misery, I seek fellowship. Instead of fearfully holding on to finances, I give. Instead of taking offense, I forgive. Instead of moping, I rejoice. I am dangerous and fierce.

 I am a fell warrior for God is in my determination to be steadfast. When believers drift away from God and become self-absorbed instead of radically obedient, Satan wins more than one soul. Satan rejoices in the ripple-effect of the person’s unbelief and disobedience. Satan hates those who refuse to fall, who refuse to retreat, who refuse to despair. Like the Psalmists I will be grim and honest about all the troubles I face, yet declare, “God’s lovingkindness endures forever!” Holiness and humility that endures brings down the enemy’s strongholds.

As necessary as it now is put on the full armor of God, and even sleep in that armor some nights, I look forward to the reign of the Prince of Peace. Ultimately, vengeance on our enemy, although good, is not our highest motivation. We fight, endure, and persevere because we love Jesus, our King. We long to please Him, and someday be with Him. We exalt the name of Jesus because we love Him, but it is nice to know that this also torments our enemy who has stolen so much.

We can be fell and grim warriors whose greatest joy is the presence of our King.

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Haunted by the Widow

Even before I realized it was Halloween, I had this title stuck in my head. Teckla and I have been asking God to use us in Kansas. In the past, I have found the prayer, “God, please use me,” dangerous. The last time I prayed this in Kansas all of heaven and some of hell broke loose. Teckla and I found ourselves opening our home and hearts to a multitude of spiritually hungry and needy people. As we once again pray to be used by God in Kansas, the story of the widow’ mite haunts my thoughts.

The tale of the widow is not a parable; it is a story of Jesus and his disciples watching people give their offerings to the temple treasury. When Jesus sees the widow drop in her two copper coins, he says. “Truly I say unto you, this poor widow put in more than all of them.” Jesus makes clear how different the economy of God is from the economy of this world. She gave more, Jesus says, because “she gave all.”

Each morning Teckla and I give ourselves to God. We ask God to use us, to bless us and make us a blessing to others. For most of our lives the natural place to serve has been with the Church—God’s people. Being a part of small congregations has always made finding a place to serve easy. Teckla has led Bible studies, led worship, printed bulletins, and even served as church treasurer. I have taught Sunday school, led Bible studies, and occasionally preached. The church we now attend has two services and plenty of people eager to serve, so where and how to serve God is not obvious.

And then there is the haunting of my prayers by this widow who Jesus said gave more than all the wealthy people slinging bags of gold into the offering plate. What if when I ask God to use me, I am really asking God to use me some way that feels important or significant? Is caring for Teckla and grandchildren every day being used by God? How does God regard a Saturday spent cheering for the grandchildren at their soccer game? If a couple dozen people read my blog is that being used by God? Am I living for God’s eyes or man’s eyes?

Even more seductive is the temptation to do for God only that which yields quick or visible results.  I may be dead before I see the results of my prayers for my children and grandchildren. Praying doesn’t feel like being used by God, just as dropping two mites didn’t make the widow feel like she had given more than all the others. This widow that haunts my prayers gently asks, “Mark, do you really want to be used by God, or do you want others to see you being used by God?”

The widow who Jesus saw asks us, “Is it enough that God sees?” I look around and see many at my age caring for parents or grandchildren. In hidden places and with little recognition, they serve God daily. Some are caring for a spouse struggling with sickness or memory loss. Others care for those who do not respond or return their love. All these live on the economy of God, hoping only for the riches of heaven.  

This story of the widow’s offering may not seem scary. But it is terrifying if you are committed to living God’s Word—not just studying it. The widow gave all she had to God—trusted her care completely into His hands. This widow haunts all our compromises and pragmatism. She comes in our dreams and invites us to the live a life poured out for Jesus. She challenges us to give all even if no one ever sees our gift

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By Their Fruit

I am relearning the trees of eastern Kansas and western Missouri. It is a formidable task. There are about nineteen species of oak trees. Some like the willow and shingle oak have leaves that look nothing like an oak. There are also eight species of hickory. Mixed into these forests are maples, walnut, elms, poplars, hackberry, locusts, and ash trees. In the understory are pawpaw, persimmon, and redbuds. Some of the tallest and easiest to identify are the sycamores whose white branches shine brightly in the blue sky of Kansas.

Wrenching one’s neck to see the leaves and crowns of the trees gives us a glimpse of the glory of a hardwood forest but is not much help in identifying the trees. The branches move in the wind and intertwine with other trees. Different kinds of vines snake into the lower branches of some trees mixing their leaves with the leaves of the tree.  

Some identifications can be made by looking closely at fallen leaves. Many of the leaves, however, look similar: chinquapin and chestnut oaks, and also the blue, white, and black ash trees. The leaves blow around on windy fall days, so it is easy to assign a leaf to the wrong tree.

Looking at the trunks of trees can also be helpful. The shell bark hickory has peeling bark. Persimmons have a cork like bark that could be used as a bobber at a fishing hole. Honey locusts this time of year have myriad small yellow leaves that flutter down in the wind, but the trunks have devilish bundles of thorns long enough to skewer your hand. The bark of many trees, however, changes as it matures, making identification difficult.

The easiest way to identify these trees is by kicking around in the leaves under the tree and discovering what kind of fruit it has dropped: the seed pod, acorn, or nut. A close look at the acorn is the best way to identify the oak trees. Each acorn has its own shape and wears a different hat. Here we have many bur oaks which have the biggest acorns. The cap covers half the acorn with curling burs, thus the other common name–mossycup oak.

The hickories are best identified by their nuts. Two hickories, the bitter nut and pignut, have nuts too bitter or tasteless for human consumption. The mockernut hickory is so named because the nut is covered by a thick-shelled fruit but yields a very small edible kernel. The shellbark hickory has shaggy peeling bark as it ages but is called the kingnut hickory because of the large and delicious nuts it drops.

One often finds a circle of grass under black walnut trees. The leaves and fruits of walnut trees contain natural herbicides that prevent the growth of other bushes or saplings. Locust trees and Kentucky Coffetrees litter the ground with unmistakable seed pods. The most noticeable of all fruits are the large yellow green hedgeapples from the Osage orange tree. If falling from one of the higher branches, these are large and heavy enough to knock a person out.

As you can see, in the Midwest forests, it is best to look down to see what is up. I have realized this is true when judging ministries and spiritual shepherds. The crowns of trees dancing in the wind can easily attract and distract us. But kicking through the leaf litter for the fruits of a ministry will often give us the best understanding of the kind ministry we are examining.

If ministers and ministries can be compared to trees, the Kansas City area is indeed a mighty forest. Recently, a major minister and ministry has fallen into scandal and disgrace. Teckla and I have been gone for over thirty years, so we are looking for a church home and kicking around the leaf litter to see what ministries have good fruit and would be a good fit. We have been impressed with the kindness we have shown at the Vineyard Community Church, but we know there are many excellent congregations in the area.  

One way to examine the fruit of a pastor or leader is to watch how they interact with “the least of these” in their congregation. How much time do they spend talking to the person who is neediest and has the least to offer the church? At our home churches in Myrtle Point—Freedom Fellowship and First Presbyterian–we saw good fruit expressed in caring for the broken in our midst.  We were shown abundant grace, mercy, and kindness by God’s people in Myrtle Point. Here at the Vineyard Community Church the pastor, who had not met Teckla or known of her dementia, prayed for her and then whispered in her ear, “Keep coming just as you are.” These simple words made Teckla feel seen and valued even though she struggles to express herself or remember words.

Small acts of kindness and holiness in ordinary life are the fruits that best reveal the nature of a ministry. Like acorns, these small acts of obedience and faithfulness contain all the DNA of the ministry. Careful examination of the leaf litter beneath a ministry will help us know if we are seeing a bitternut, pignut, mockernut, or kingnut hickory.

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Faith Keepers: A Manifesto

My son Dylan recently said to me, “Dad, I want you to finish strong.”  His senior pastor, who was retiring, had preached a sermon on the importance of ending one’s life full of faith. Dylan was right to be worried. The last few years have shaken all the dust out of my faith. Teckla and I have faced cancer and the death of our son Peter. We now face Teckla’s worsening dementia.

We have seen spiritual leaders fall and leave behind all kinds of spiritual and emotional wreckage. Our faith has also faced the wear and tear of watching pastor after pastor cast visions that evaporate in this spiritual desert. We have seen spiritual fads come and go with little impact on church growth or spiritual vitality. It is easy to be cynical and difficult to have a vision (or trust anyone else’s).

It has gotten harder to say with Paul, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith.” Sometimes I am weary with grief and loss, besieged with doubts and fears. Some days I have “no fight” left. As I look around at believers my age, I see that I am not alone in my struggle to keep the faith and fight the good fight. Too many seem to be stumbling right before the finish line.

I propose Faith Keepers, a mutual aid society for weary Christians who need help finishing strong. It would help those wounded by religious abuse. It would extend a hand to those stuck in a swamp of disappointments and unanswered prayers. It would walk with those seeking a way through a labyrinth of questions and doubts.  

Faith Keepers Will

  1. Hold onto a battered faith in the goodness of God. We will not doubt the goodness of God because of the messes people make.  We will call one another to return again and again to Jesus, our first love. 
  2. Open ourselves to spiritual growth. We will refuse the lie that we have seen it all and done it all. We will be teachable and tenderhearted. We will be mature enough to be childlike, but never childish. We learn from one another, the old and the young.
  3. Let our grief and disappointments gentle us and deepen our compassion. We will not withdraw, harden our hearts, or let bitterness take root. We will weep with those who weep, rejoice with those who rejoice.
  4. Seek first the kingdom of God even in retirement. We will not let our last years be all about us. We challenge one another to sow good seed, even if others will rejoice in the harvest. We will live the poured-out life to the end.
  5. Fight for the salvation and blessing of friends and family. We will be faithful to pray, give, and serve to the end. We will put the full armor of God on our aching bones. Together we will stand and fight.  
  6. Speak hope to this generation. We will not speak despair and betray this generation of God’s children (Psalm 73:15). We will remind one another of the faithfulness and steadfast loving-kindness of God.

  7. Rejoice even through our tears. Our hearts will rejoice in the unchanging and unstoppable love of God and the victory of Jesus over Satan, sin, and death. Together we will rejoice in every ray of light that pierces the darkness.

Yes, I know Faith Keepers will never fill stadiums like Promise Keepers did in the 90’s. Too many of us have bad knees and enlarged prostrates. And about the time we got some leadership in place, they would start dying off. But maybe we could have breakfast at Perkins.

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Gollum and the Great Secrets of the Darkness

In The Lord of the Rings Tolkien offers a penetrating description of one of the principal lies the enemy uses to seduce us. In the second chapter of The Fellowship of Rings Gandalf explains to Frodo how Gollum came to love the darkness. Gollum, corrupted by the Rings power and by the invisibility it offered, shook his fist at the sun and retreated into the roots of the mountains where he believed “there must be great secrets buried which have not been discovered since the beginning.”

Our culture has often made a similar promise about the darkness. Modernity celebrates all that is to be discovered by shaking off the restraints of morality and bravely exploring every kind of immorality and perversion. The attraction of the darkness can be especially powerful for young people raised in Christian homes. Rebelling against the light can give a teenager a sense of identity. Discovering all the secret pleasures of evil at first seems exciting.

Pop culture and Hollywood have made money off this lie. Songs about sex, drugs, and rebellion permeated the rock and roll culture. When my college students talk about partying over the weekend, they do not mean cake and party hats. They almost always mean alcohol, drugs, and maybe recreational sex. Fun without transgression has become unimaginable.

However, the story of Gollum does not go well. Gandalf explains, “All the ‘great secrets’ under the mountains had turned out to be just empty night: there was nothing more to find out: nothing worth doing, only nasty furtive eating and resentful remembering.” This has been the story of some of my students—most of whom are just out of high school. Sadly, some have already discovered that drugs and promiscuity offered nothing.

In Oregon, which is largely unchurched, I have had some students whose parents crawled into the darkness of drug addiction and promiscuity. One student told me he was a “rebel” and the “black sheep” of his family because he was sober, married, and went to church. He wasn’t welcome at family parties.

I am old enough (seventy) to have seen both the unchurched and churched discover the bitter truth Gollum discovers: there are no exciting secrets in the darkness. Hollywood has lied. In the darkness there is only “empty night”. The light is resented because it illumines our shame and challenges the lies we have trusted.

The kindness of Frodo is the only thing in The Lord of Rings that comes close to curing Gollum and recovering his true identity as Smeagol. Tolkien has not written a Christian allegory but has written a book with Christian themes. Certainly, we can see in Frodo the spiritual truth that it is the kindness of God that leads us to repentance and out of the darkness.The Gollums in our lives do not need any self-righteous I-told you so’s. They only need love and kindness as we gently lead them to Jesus: the Light that burns away all our shame.

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Slow Dancing with Teckla

A few nights ago, I had a strange dream that took me back to First Church of the Nazarene in Walla Walla, Washington. There, as a nine-year old boy, I answered an altar call and committed my life to following Jesus. All I remember is that the evangelist had bushy eyebrows that when pulled together pointed like a hairy arrow straight to hell. It was not, however, a fear of hell that moved me to kneel at the altar. I was wild child that needed Jesus.

Once I even preached at the Walla Walla church. I preached on the Romans seven and compared the carnal life to the whack-a-mole game at the carnival. The fondest memory I have is from August 12, 1978, when I married Teckla. She was a Walla Walla girl and this was her home church. Even as kid, Teckla was beloved, so our wedding filled the church.

Neither of our families had much money, so we had a low-budget wedding. Friends from Myrtle Point picked sword ferns from the woods. Teckla and I picked sunflowers from along the road to College Place. Teckla and her mother, Ella, made the wedding dress. It was all simple but wonderful. And Teckla, of course, was stunningly beautiful. In my vows I promised to love Teckla as Christ loves the church. I promised to give myself up for her as Christ has given himself for His bride.

In my dream I was at the church with a large crowd of people, my father being the only specific person I noticed. I had just said my vows again to Teckla and kissed her. The congregation clapped and then chanted, “Dance, dance, dance!” I took Teckla’s hand and put my other hand in the small of her back. There was no music, but we swayed back and forth and shuffled our feet. My steps were clumsy, and I stepped on her toes a few times. Like a good Nazarene, I had never learned to dance.

Each day Teckla and I live this dream. In the morning, I re-introduce myself to Teckla and tell her that we got married 46 years ago. Sometimes I remind her of her name. I repeat my promise to never leave her, to never stop loving her. We fall in love again.

I don’t put much stock in dreams, but if a bunch old-time Nazarenes and your father are telling you to dance, it is probably God speaking. So, every day I ask Teckla, “May I have this dance?” Memories come and go, but we move to the music of God’s grace as we slow dance through these difficult days.

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The Fire

Some nights while camping on the Oregon coast, Teckla and I would stay up until the fire burned low. Under a canopy of red elderberry, spruce, and Douglas fir, we would pull our chairs close to the fire as it burned down. Often, we had burned through the firewood, so we threw in twigs, splinters of firewood, and cones to keep the fire burning. The resinous fir and spruce cones sputtered and flamed, giving us a burst of light and warmth. Sparks flew up into the night sky.

Here in Kansas, we are camped in the basement of my son and his wife, Dylan and Vanessa. We have every comfort, and Dylan and Vanessa have shown us every kindness, but because we are still living mostly out of boxes, it feels like camping. We miss our home and our Oregon friends. We are unsettled.

Here the darkness that surrounds us is uncertainty. Our house in Myrtle Point has not yet sold. We have taken some steps to connect with people where we attend church, but such connections take time. Teckla’s memory loss makes the future uncertain. How do we plan?

But Teckla and I pull our chairs closer to the fire. We gather splinters of gratitude and cones of thanksgiving and feed the fire. We thank God for every grandchild’s smile and every sunflower’s bloom. With faltering and thin voices, we sing old hymns and offer desperate prayers that rise like sparks in the night.

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Stanley’s Gift

In the late 80’s Teckla and I lived in Kansas City, a little off Red Bridge Road. My older brother Stanley came to live with use for about a year and a half. He was struggling with anxiety and some emotional distress. During this time, we hiked around most of the nearby nature preserves and trails.

Although unemployed and socially and physically awkward, Stanley had an encyclopedic knowledge of history and nature. Because he was ten years older, we had never been friends exactly, but we shared a love of nature. While living in Milton-Freewater, Oregon, Stanley occasionally took me on walks along the Walla Walla River. I still remember us seeing a black-chinned hummingbird and Lewis woodpecker along the river behind Roger’s cannery.

And while living in Myrtle Point, Stanley and I had hiked many trails. We had hiked to Hanging Rock and seen rock penstemon in bloom. We had seen the Lewisia blooming on the trail to Mount Bolivar. One of our last hikes was to the top of Iron Mountain where there is small grove of Brewer’s Spruce, a rare tree with long weeping branches. I owe to Stanley much of my knowledge of Oregon’s forests, flowers, wildlife, and all that lives in coastal dunes and tide pools.

At times Teckla and I have been overwhelmed by how much we have left behind in Oregon—the house, the good friends, the job, the yard, and all the beauty of the ocean, mountains, and rivers. At the Norway cemetery (outside Myrtle Point) are the stones of Stanley, Mom and Dad, and our son, Peter. So much of heart and so many of our family’s memories are in Oregon. Although we lived in Kansas years ago, we feel a little lost. Many places have changed, and some old friends have died. And much of our stuff, and therefore our life, is still in boxes.

Last week Teckla and I hiked some of the trail at Longview Lake where Stanley and I had hiked years ago. Along this trail, Stanley had taught me the songs of woodpeckers and how to identify the butterflies: red-spotted purples, clouded sulfurs, and glorious monarchs. In the spring Stanley showed where the bluebells bloomed near the first bridge. Once Stanley, who never moved quickly, darted off the trail and grabbed a three-foot black rat snake. He had gripped it in the middle of its body, so it was biting Stanley’s hand. With blood running down his hand, Stanley calmed the snake by rubbing its belly behind its jaws.

On this same trail Stanley and I saw a blue grosbeak—the first and only time we had seen this bird. Teckla and I saw no unusual birds on our hike, but we came upon a box turtle plodding across the trail. Its shell was scarred and cracked. It was perhaps old enough to have been seen by Stanley and me years ago.

Hiking this trail, I was surprised by Stanley’s gift. He had taught me to see the world around me, to pay attention. I looked at the ground to see what kinds of oak and hickory or butternut grew on each side of the trail. I looked at the gliding flight patterns of mockingbirds and the dance of blue azure butterflies.

Because of Stanley I am less alone in Kansas. The burr oaks and ironweed are old friends. I am delighted by the shagbark hickories and the checkered bark of persimmon trees. The explosion of sunflowers in September brings me joy.

Stanley taught me that attention to nature is worship. Like God after creation, we look carefully at all that He has made, and say, “It is good, it is very good.” Stanley sang hymns beautifully, but I think his love and attention to creation was how he loved God best.

One of Stanley’s favorite hymns was “This is My Father’s World.” Teckla and I sang this hymn together this morning. The second verse says, “This is my Father’s world, the birds their carols raise/ the morning light, the lily white declare their Maker’s praise/This is my Father’s world, He shines in all that ‘s fair/In the rustling grass I hear Him pass, He speaks to me everywhere.”  Because of Stanley, I am better at hearing God everywhere—even in Kansas.

I miss Oregon and how the roar of the ocean made my heart soar. However, I am grateful that Stanley taught me hear God pass in the prairie’s flowers and grass. I am thankful that in all our loss, my heart can dance with the monarchs which are now nectaring furiously before the winter.

Stanley once explained to me that sunflowers are heliotropic, turning their faces toward the sun throughout the day. Now that I live in Kansas, the sunflower state, I pray that Teckla and I will also be heliotropic—turning our faces toward the Sun of Righteousness who rises with healing in its wings.

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The Problem of Pain and Dementia

In his book The Problem of Pain C. S. Lewis tries to reconcile human suffering with the existence of a good, loving, and omnipotent God. Lewis addresses what causes suffering and how God uses suffering. Lewis argues that pain is God’s “megaphone to a deaf world.” For the believer, Lewis argues, pain is God’s way of calling us to self-surrender so that the likeness of Jesus can be formed in us. In our suffering, we are invited by God to daily choose God’s love and God’s way. By our choices and God’s grace, we change from glory to glory, becoming more like Jesus who suffered for us. We are prepared for His presence and His service.

I read Lewis hoping for a better theology of dementia. Teckla and I have both gone through a battle (successful it seems) with cancer and have been crushed by the death of our son, Peter. In the midst of all this, Teckla was diagnosed with dementia. She struggles daily with disorientation and memory loss.

At first glance, Lewis’s book is of little help. Dementia, after all, is painless. There is no ennobling resistance to pain by choosing daily to rejoice in God despite the nausea or aching bones and muscles. More seriously, dementia dissolves the human personality and sense of self. The very thing that suffering is meant to improve, our Christian character, slowly disappears. It is hard to see how dementia makes anyone more like Jesus, especially in the later stages.

Dementia is also hard to reconcile with all the Scripture that exhorts us to have the mind of Christ, to set our mind on things above, and to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. If God is so concerned about our minds, why would He allow a believer to sink into the mental confusion of dementia? What can possibly be redemptive about dementia?

First, all those loving a person with dementia are called to be a community of remembrance. As the memories central to their identity fade, we can intercede with our memories of who they are and what they have done. Those in loving community around the person with dementia must not see just who the person is now. Our words and actions must reflect who they have been and who God has destined them to be eternally.

More importantly we, the body of Christ, are asked to testify by word and deed that those with dementia are more than their body, more than their brain cells. They are living souls redeemed by God: children of God destined for glory. We are invited to see them “no longer after the flesh” but as God sees them. As they courageously entrust their identity to God, they remind us that our true selves are safely hidden in Christ beyond the reach of every ailment and affliction.

Although dementia usually doesn’t result in more peace and patience, it does offer a believer an opportunity to make the ultimate surrender of self to God. As memories disappear, the person with dementia must trust God to keep safe their identity. They are, perhaps, invited to do something harder and nobler than conforming their mind to Christ. They are invited to surrender their very personhood into God’s care. Believers with dementia are invited that declare that Christ is all and in all; and that in Him nothing is lost.

Dementia should make real and more precious the hope that when we see Jesus we will be made like Him. In His glory we are given back everything of eternal value. Nothing is forgotten, every act of kindness and love is remembered in Christ. All is restored and all is glory. If what God can give to us in reward and glory is a reflection to how much we have emptied ourselves in this life, then few will have a greater glory than those with dementia who continually give themselves to God.

I see glimpses of this glory as I worship with Teckla and see her lift her voice, hands, and face toward God in adoration.  Although she may now struggle to find her own words to express her heart toward God, she surrenders herself and all the heartache dementia brings. Her sacrifice of praise is surely pleases God and is the purest gold we lay at the feet of Jesus.

I am certain that as Teckla gives all she is to God, God will give all He is to her—both now and eternally.  

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The Scouring of the Soul

Watching Teckla worship has always lifted my soul into God’s presence. Having her as my worship leader for many years was a blessing and joy. Sunday night Teckla and I went with Dylan, Ari, and Leah to a night of worship and prayer at church. It was wonderful time of refreshing and adoration of Jesus. Teckla stood next me with her arms and her face lifted to God singing, “Holy, holy, holy are you, Lord God most high”. The sweetness and luminosity of her face filled me with peace, and I surrendered to the presence and work of the Holy Spirit. As she abandoned herself to worship, I cut loose and drifted on the tides of the Spirit.

We sang several other songs that celebrated the holiness of God. A spectator might have objected to the repetitive nature of the songs that declare God is holy, holy, and also, holy. This is, however, the repetition of the four living creatures mentioned in Revelation 5:8 who day and night say, “Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God, the Almighty, who was and who is and who is to come.” Of course, if we see worship as merely declaring theologically accurate propositions about the character of God, once would be enough.

Each time I declared God to be holy, I felt some grime and darkness scoured from my soul. To declare God is holy, is to declare Him perfect in all His ways. Although I have not doubted His goodness, I have not always felt it. Even when we are wise enough not to doubt God’s holiness, it is easy for our spirit to sour, for our joy to die, and for our outlook to darken.

Teckla is one of the most selfless people I know. Almost all her prayers have been for others. The only prayer I have heard her ask for herself has been, “Please, God, don’t let me have dementia.” When she had the very first signs of memory loss, she would grab my hand and put on her head and ask me to pray for her not to have dementia. She prayed, I prayed, and thus far that prayer has not been answered. No other unanswered prayer has wounded me as deeply.

Yet, in the face of her disappointment and worsening memory loss, Teckla sang with abandon, “Holy, holy, holy.” With every declaration of God’s holiness we sang, I let go of more resentment over unanswered prayers. Every complaint of my heart against God slipped away. My soul was scoured of doubts about God’s faithfulness, goodness, and love. Teckla’s example led me to a place of where God’s Spirit could cleanse me.

This does not mean I no longer have questions; it only means that certainty about God’s holy character is the ground and starting place of all my questions. The declaration that God is holy kills the lie spoken by the serpent in Eden. Satan’s lie implied that God was not good and that He was withholding something good from Eve and Adam by forbidding them to eat of tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Few things are as good for us and as bad for our enemy as the heart-felt declaration that God is holy. This declaration of trust in the face of affliction, disappointments, and unanswered prayers shatters the kingdom of darkness. The scouring of soul by the holiness of God not only frustrates the schemes of our enemy, but it sets us free to fully enjoy God’s love in the face of all we do not know or understand.

Because this has been and still is a period of great loss, it is easy for me to stumble through my days numb and dazed. But the unchanging, unshakeable, and unfading holiness of God can open my eyes to the joy possible in the present moment.

A broken heart scoured by His holiness reflects His glory.

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